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learned helplessness

by sadfem

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1.
zoning out 04:48
2.
3.
4.
drowning, still gone i'm lost, still gone fall through, in too deep in too deep, i can't breathe know my place, feel my shame know my place, can't escape even if i wanted to there's nowhere to run to don't know how to deal with it don't know how to feel all the pain, embarrassment never fucking heal chances that i can't take back even if i wanted to scars and crosses on my back never thought i'd feel like that in my place, all shame can't escape, can't relate don't know how to deal with it tell me what's the deal crushing me in crushing me slow embarrassed to the core tell me where to go all the shame embarrassment, yeah know my place, feel my shame know my place, can't escape even if i wanted to there's nowhere to run to don't know how to deal with it don't know how to feel all the pain, embarrassment never fucking heal put me down and in my place feel the weight i feel the shame put me down and in my place put me down down down down down down down i feel shame all i feel is hate i'm embarrassed 'bout this shit no you can't relate
5.
failing 04:17
6.
disconnected 02:03
7.
unspeakable 03:30
8.
it's a never ending summer stuck in cyclical attachments can't think about forever i wake up sweating and frantic loveless and empty handed i cannot expect anybody else to understand it coming up and undercover slipping in and out the static can't even feel the pressure now showed up to throw off your balance it's not god it's magic the patterns control us, i'm sick of your pedantics you said it was bygones, still sleep with the lights on acting rough and tough but where it lie, your loyalty? have a feeling the horizon you painted us was biased dressed up like a python, chameleon royalty sitting pretty on your throne counting your diamonds while outside there are burning homes that energy gonna blacken your soul mirror mirror turn you cold though i thought that we could build a home we were broke and bending summer into autumn into ashes by then i rediscovered love and all of its advantages you didn't seem too enthusiastic if you don't want my company then you don't gotta have it it's a joke, you claim the other then surprised you caught in traffic insist you don't want fire but keep throwing matches you said it was bygones, still sleep with the lights on caught you in a bluff so where it lie, your loyalty? wanna watch me juggle my troubles then add another i know that you worried that i'll take it to extremes what do you mean? the proof is in the pattern recognition either admit to it or listen sitting pretty on your throne counting your diamonds while outside there are burning homes i know it's something i don't know and it's valuable like it'll burn your throat liquid gold have a feeling the horizon you painted us was biased dressing like a python, chameleon royalty
9.
10.
it's all wrong, that's okay, it's not meant to be all these thoughts up in my head never let me be i don't wanna start again dream deprived, can't sleep at night i can't even start to cry intentions deflected and intentions misled me down this shit i try again, i wanna quit tell me, should i start again? i know it's harder to pretend but i try harder to forget feels i lost, i never needed them it's pointless, useless just like me try so hard like should i stop? can't make up my mind like i forgot it's all wrong, just can't be that's okay, it's not meant to be all these thoughts in my head leave me down, leave me dead all these thoughts in my head leave me down, leave me dead i don't wanna start again i don't wanna try again
11.
unwanted 01:45
12.
aftermath 04:24
13.
emptiness 04:59
14.
now i'm doing molly in the uber black miss molly you can't take it back i'm on the ground, and you're so cold
15.
16.
oxytocin 02:54
17.
call you a liar set each other on fire match made in heaven waiting for 27
18.
aimless 03:52
19.
i can call it love now the distance grants permission i was scared to name it then make promises of wishes we have seen how furrows in the earth can turn to fractures it’s distance now and fear as well that holds us safely back here come back to me come back to me when i can tell you where i’ve landed all that i’ll have there for you is everything i am and if you can’t i’ll love you till i don’t: no less, no longer humility, it’s not for me to say where you belong
20.
overstim 02:34

about

really great ambient techno for a really hip young crowd!

i think of this album as a reflection on having essentially given up on life. knowing you'll never catch up to your peers. fantasising about ending yourself but knowing you'll continue to passively exist. trying to make peace with it and find comfort, gratitude, and beauty in this harsh world.

then again maybe that's pretentious and retroactively imposed. i didn't make most of the tracks thinking their musical elements have a specific meaning, beyond the general mood they evoke alongside the samples of media that resonated with me in one way or another.

i didn't initially see the project ending up as ambitious as it did. it started out with a couple of tracks where i tried dabbling in some new styles and exploring more of the tools my recently upgraded music software provided. at one point i thought, maybe i'll put out a sort of idm ep with a bunch of anime samples. then i kept having more ideas until it ended up being my longest, most diverse and accomplished release yet. funny how something i started off not taking as seriously as previous albums led to substantially more experimentation and growth as an artist, i guess that's often the way. i'm satisfied that i managed to branch out my sound and alternate between varying combinations of genres that interest me, while still having the album sound fairly cohesive. i'm also really glad i got to collaborate with all the featured artists, and put it out on a label run by one of my favourites. thank you all.

i hope you'll take the time to listen to this album and that it makes you feel something.

credits

released February 23, 2023

released on The Worst, go check out the label's other releases: theworstlabel.bandcamp.com

composed / produced / mixed / mastered by sadfem
additional composition / instrumental production by Foxxy Dekay, kindy x, and swørd
lyrics / vocals / additional vocal production by BL00DSLIDE, grbageman, SURFIE SPICE, Mirrors For Princes, and Aphir
cover art illustrated by Foxxy Dekay / recoloured by sadfem

collaborators' links:
foxxydekay.bandcamp.com
soundcloud.com/7blood7slide7
soundcloud.com/grbageman
soundcloud.com/babysurf
mirrorsforprinces.bandcamp.com
aphir.bandcamp.com

samples:

WataMote (No Matter How I Look At It, It's You Guys' Fault I'm Not Popular!) (anime) [2]
Neon Genesis Evangelion (anime) [4]
James Brown - Funky Drummer [4, 14]
bôa - Duvet [5]
Serial Experiments Lain (anime) [6, 7]
Nakaido "Chabo" Reichi - Family Portrait (from Serial Experiments Lain OST) [7]
The Winstons - Amen, Brother [7, 15]
Yuki Hayashi - Introduction (from Death Parade OST) [8]
ANGEL DIARY - something you said [9]
kindy x - Benadryl and pussy [9]
Ergo Proxy (anime) [10]
Christine (2016 film) [11, 16]
Sparklehorse + Fennesz - Goodnight Sweetheart [12]
Lyn Collins - Think (About It) [14, 15, 18]
swørd - ψ(。。) [15]
Bee and PuppyCat (YouTube series) [15]
Kotringo - Hajimete no Kimochi (from Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid OST) [17]
Sonic Youth - Loop Cat [19]

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sadfem Warwick, UK

natural born loser

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