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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of it's a shame, that's all it ever was, Perfect Symmetry (sadfem remix), dream & bass, vol. 3, ~✧♡「H34RTSTYL3 CUT3L3GZ」♡✧~, DJ Ashbie presents Terminally Online Radio 420.69, learned helplessness, antisymbiotic, cherophobia, and 17 more.
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1. |
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stuck in my head now
it'll take a couple hours just to leave my bed
suppose i should get out
but why keep myself alive just to feel dead?
i could try but i don't wanna
all my words are melodrama
struggle isn't real, i just want attention
i'm so glad you're down to talk but
are you gonna bother
when i unload everything i was afraid to mention
i can't be what anyone expects of me
but i wanna let 'em see what they wanna see
superficial changes but i still do the same things
i'm never getting anywhere i wanna be
catch feelings
like love could ever fix what is wrong with me
i know i ain't dealing with my issues properly
i could try but i don't wanna
all my words are melodrama
struggle isn't real, i just want attention
i'm so glad you're down to talk but
are you gonna bother
when i unload everything i was afraid to mention
i can't be what anyone expects of me
but i wanna let 'em see what they wanna see
superficial changes but i still do the same things
i'm never getting anywhere i wanna be
what am i tryna be?
the fuck is wrong with me?
please don't make me confront reality
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2. |
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[delcada]
dead weight upon my chest
sink yr nails into me
grip tight… cold skin
drown in longing (and its and its and its
and its time that i left)
drown in longing (because im out of my depth
there was nothing i posess)
drown in longing (and now its so illusive to me
i wait slow…)
drown in longing (longing for nothing
i am enveloped in emptiness)
touch grows colder (and i see you besides me and its…)
feel so colder (dead weight… upon my chest
it suffocates me…)
feel so colder (and its your voice inside my head
on the fucking daily)
[Evnvch]
honestly i've barely even tried to heal
i'd still fuck myself up
just to have something to feel
i don't see a reason (no real reason)
to believe in anything
i never cared about my health
baby make me feel empty
that's when i feel like myself
get so attached if you let me
eventually i'm gonna make you wish you never met me
overly affectionate, emotionally dependent
everyone regrets when they give me the benefit
wish i wasn't too much of a coward to just end it
don't really wanna get better (i'm just gonna)
let myself drown in longing
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3. |
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[delcada]
you took like three xans
yea like its naptime
and im at the party SOG like its columbine
ima bad girl i could get killled
i act so sick but im just confused
ina haunted house with the doors closed
whats the deal its so pretty but its so cold
you should make me care about you
pink hair blue eyes and the sky blue
or throw me off a fucking building
or throw me off a fucking building
yeah blade to my throat and i love that pain
its the engagement and i brought you a ring
are you down to die are you down to fuck
bitch im with my clique i dont give a fuck
hoes be tryna talk but im fucking dumb
hoes be tryna talk but im fucking dumb
[Evnvch]
so numb, wish i could get something done
i don't really feel like i'm anyone
never learn, wonder where it all went wrong
i feel so inferior to everyone
i'll believe you know me when you hate me
wouldn't help myself if you paid me
really wanna fix things lately
but it'll take more than a miracle to change me
life feels like a daydream
every day the same thing
nothing worth saving
so used to failing
motivation faded
barely care if i escape this
guess maybe i should get therapy
negative energy
so full of jealousy
pathetic desperation you can smell on me
toxic loser beta boy is all i'll ever be
are you down to die? i feel like elliot
wasted all my life rotting in loneliness
wish i was wrong when i say that i'm fucking dumb
don't be tryna talk much 'cause i'm fucking dumb
so numb, wish i could get something done
i don't really feel like i'm anyone
never learn, wonder where it all went wrong
i feel so inferior to everyone
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4. |
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[Evnvch]
i feel like an incel
jealous of these females
shame that makes me wish
i had it in me to kill myself
shoulda never started that
i wanna break her heart back
like yeah i used your partner
and barely even felt bad
i feel like i'm chris chan
you could be my megan
let me get obsessed and
regret fucking everything
i know i've been toxic
and not in a hot way
yeah i think i wanna change
but i'm not gonna start today
i'm so ashamed, i don't know what else to blame
sick of my avoidance keeping everything the same
all i can do is complain, i know it's so fucking lame
and i'm sure i'd use sex for self-destruction if i got laid
i'm a pussy faggot, i'm an ugly retard
mad at all the liars who used to let me feel smart
i hoped it would get better but it's really not
and i know i'd fuck it up again if i could restart
[delcada]
i could never restart lil bb watchu want yea
fallin fallin out of love hear you on every song hoe
i feel like im christine you look like my fantasy
you look like a faggot but id still let you cuddle me
i regret the past now bb it dont last though
bb make my blood drip like im sniffin yayo
i jus wana kms bb can u follow suit
i dont like this world and i think ima b gone soon with you too
[Evnvch]
i'm so ashamed, i don't know what else to blame
sick of my avoidance keeping everything the same
all i can do is complain, i know it's so fucking lame
and i'm sure i'd use sex for self-destruction if i got laid
i'm a pussy faggot, i'm an ugly retard
mad at all the liars who used to let me feel smart
i hoped it would get better but it's really not
and i know i'd fuck it up again if i could restart
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5. |
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give me love or give me death
i should probably be alone just a little less
say it's all good but i'm bluffing
in the end it all means nothing
i've been wishing that i knew how to hurt you back
i've been wishing that my apathy weren't an act
i should leave 'cause there's nothing left for me here
no i ain't shit but don't act like you are either
no love, no life, nothing to believe in
no justification for my feelings
know i'm self-destructing when i feel myself crushing
but fuck it, i'm just tryna feel something
drain me slowly
make me need you
i can't act cool
i know that i'm see-through
give me love or give me death
i should probably be alone just a little less
say it's all good but i'm bluffing
in the end it all means nothing
i've been wishing that i knew how to hurt you back
i've been wishing that my apathy weren't an act
i should leave 'cause there's nothing left for me here
no i ain't shit but don't act like you are either
give me love or give me death
don't remind me i'm a mess
drain me slowly
make me need you
i can't act cool
i know that i'm see-through
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6. |
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always been such a pathetic loser
lucky not to end up a school shooter
or all kinds of abuser
i guess there's still time
you're still on my mind
i hate what i'm like
but i can front like i'm fine
because i'm too numb to cry
maybe life's a cruel joke on me
it's whatever, guess it's kinda clever
never ever getting my shit together
it doesn't get better, i'm here forever
another day killed scrolling through my feed
daydreaming about making myself bleed
another time i thought i'd changed for the better
then realised i'll never stop being a pathetic freak
maybe life will be easier to accept
if i keep telling myself in my head
that it's a fucking comedy
i'm just a bad joke and the punchline is 41%
and when it lands maybe a couple people laugh
or out of politeness they awkwardly clap
i understand, at peace with that
easily left in the past
always been such a pathetic loser
lucky not to end up a school shooter
or all kinds of abuser
i guess there's still time
you're still on my mind
and i wonder why
you can't centre your life around me
hate to see you having fun without me
'cause i'm a creep, i think you knew that
another friendship, think i blew that
and even if it isn't true
i guess there's still time
you're still on my mind
i hate what i'm like
but i can front like i'm fine
because i'm too numb to cry
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7. |
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you're really sweet, i think you could use some icing
i'd love to meet you but i can't think of the right things
to say, but i guess i'll message you today
or tomorrow or as soon as i feel ok
fuck it, i feel as right as i ever will
and if i don't try it right now i'll probably never feel
your body, it's silly really but i always get a thrill
when you give me attention, won't mention my intention
but we both know what we mean when we agree to chill
hope you message back, it's almost too good to be real
this could be ill, i hope i don't seem too crazy
you press my buttons baby, press my fucking buttons baby
thought you should know you're in my fantasies and dreams
sent you a message but you left me on seen wtf!?
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8. |
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[Evnvch]
always worried i'm a bother
insecure that i don't have much to offer you
what am i supposed to do
besides use you as somebody to project ideals onto?
am i easily replaced by another?
i really wanna believe there's something to
all of what we've been through
can i get reassurance it's not bad for me to want you?
i'm worried this'll end before we really get anywhere
all i want is you here
wish we weren't always apart, i can't deal right
i wanna just rest in your arms until we die
[Velvet Darling]
you're bubblegum in my hair
but when you call i wear my cute underwear
and i'm like
so fucking scared
that you don't care
but it feels so good when you're near
[Evnvch]
i'm sorry i'm so fucking needy
wish that i could promise not to veer into creepy but
when i'm alone i resent that you don't need me
and everything's ok again when you wanna see me
i understand if you find it hard to believe when i say i care
but all i want's to be there
hate that you're so far, i can't deal right
commit yet another faux pas and now i feel like
[Evnvch + Velvet Darling]
i hit a new low
'cause i didn't know
how low i could go
you make me wish i was dead
honey what can i do?
gun to my head
i'm afraid i choose you
every time, every time, every time
choose you every time
like a gun to my head
you're on my mind
please be mine
[Velvet Darling]
you're bubblegum in my hair
but when you call i wear my cute underwear
and i'm like
so fucking scared
that you don't care
but it feels so good when you're near
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9. |
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[$WAGGOT]
i know it's complicated
i know we separated
but i dont wanna hate u
and i still wanna make u
all disinhibitated
still wanna get u naked
release all your frustration
into my little ocean
i got a little lotion
to continue the motion
take a drink of my potion
vibing with your emotion
baby you are the only
one who makes me feel lonely
when i go out without you
i might as well be home and
i know you dont miss the fighting
and you dont find me exciting
go on keep chasing lightning
you can still call me nightly
you can still call me crying
you know i'll never lie
though i ask myself why
maybe i'm in denial
it's been like this for awhile
and while i'm happy that it's
better than it was it still
isn't what i've been dreaming of
sometimes i wonder if you
know what youve been doing to me
i think i know the answer
i guess it's complicated
it's pretty complicated
you don't have to explain it
i think i know the answer
i wish i didn't hate it
i know it's complicated
no need to worry baby
just say the word and
i'll pretend i'm asleep again
[Evnvch]
i miss the feeling when you'd tell me i was cute
and i could want you without shame
it was pretty beautiful to entertain delusion
that maybe you'd feel the same
yeah i know you never loved me
but i really want you in my life anyway but hey
for all i know i'm just being stupid
and you're only gonna cause me pain
i remember when i'd message you anxiously
panic 'til you answer me
wish i didn't wish
that you would leave your mans for me
yes i still daydream about
you holding hands with me
makes me wonder
is maintaining this friendship healthy?
i guess the answer's complicated
yeah it's complicated
'cause i don't really hate it
or care much if it changes
but it's been so long since i wasn't sexually frustrated
kinda wish i never thought about you when i masturbated
maybe then my feelings wouldn't seem so complicated
hopefully i'm decent at hiding that it's complicated
[$WAGGOT]
it's pretty complicated
you don't have to explain it
i think i know the answer
i wish i didn't hate it
i know it's complicated
no need to worry baby
just say the word and
i'll pretend i'm asleep again
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10. |
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[delcada]
and i dont know if this really love
seeing red cant say a word
you press it in i let it burn
you press it in i let it burn
keep coming back keep coming back for more
ima fuck everything up
infested, infected, intoxicated
[Evnvch]
still see your name on my phone screen
wish you didn't know me the way
that my stupid fucking actions exposed me
wish i was fine alone but
accepted that it's hopeless
i just feel so much of nothing since i fucked us over
i know that you don't care
and i don't wanna go there, i'm so scared
i really shoulda seen us going nowhere
you don't wanna be here
wish i coulda seen clear
before we became everything that we feared
[delcada]
and i dont know if this really love
seeing red cant say a word
you press it in i let it burn
you press it in i let it burn
keep coming back keep coming back for more
ima fuck everything up
infested, infected, intoxicated
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11. |
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[Evnvch]
i miss you every second even though we've never met
and it can't be good for my health
i wish i didn't get so attached so quick
and i wish that i could touch myself
without remembering you, the things we said we'd do
then giving up and crying like halfway through
anyone else is gonna feel like i'm settling
don't wanna say that i regret feeling anything
i'm so sorry for everything
i'm so sorry for everything
[delcada]
and im sorry for myself now
and the ways that you left me reeling
and youre perfect for me right now
and i swear that its a perfect feeling
and i need you like a rope wrapped around me
and im lying on the floor where you found me
and as long as i am yours you can drown me
and ill love you for as long as you allow me
[Evnvch]
i miss you every second even though we've never met
and it can't be good for my health
i wish i didn't get so attached so quick
and i wish that i could touch myself
without remembering you, the things we said we'd do
then giving up and crying like halfway through
anyone else is gonna feel like i'm settling
don't wanna say that i regret feeling anything
i'm so sorry for everything
i'm so sorry for everything
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12. |
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i know you see the good in me
but sometimes it feels like a deceit
and i know deep down i'm always gonna be incomplete
so if it's self-destructive then fuck it
i'm just sick of feeling nothing
made a promise to myself but to be honest i don't trust it
wish i was less of a crab in a bucket
'cause when you're confident it makes me wanna block you
if you don't need me then i don't want you
told myself i'd change but the message never got through
used to share the pain but now i don't have the heart to
can't get back the part of me that felt your feelings
can't make a sound but my mind is screaming
i don't want what's best for you, i just want codependence
i don't wanna hurt you with the truth so i'll repress it
try to fight the ennui but i seem pretty defenceless
used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic
i'm way too shy to ask for help
i'd sooner die than fix myself
i miss when i would think of you and it would make me melt
can't get back the part of me that felt your feelings
can't make a sound but my mind is screaming
after all these years i just feel so defeated
when i say i love you i wish i believed it
i don't want what's best for you, i just want codependence
i don't wanna hurt you with the truth so i'll repress it
try to fight the ennui but i seem pretty defenceless
used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic
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13. |
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never experienced the youth that i'm mourning
i know that it's dumb but the thought is so haunting
life is so daunting
i just wanna die if i'll never be more than this
if they miss me then i guess it's unfortunate
and i'm sorry that i'm always this morbid
think you're tired of my shit? i'm fucking exhausted
hope you know that it's all good on your end
you know what you signed up for being my friend
and you know i'm broken, maybe kinda tryna mend
and you came so close to being one of my regrets
maybe you could still be the one to have me crying next
hate that i exist so mindlessly
wish there was more to it
it's never enough time for me
it's unfortunate
i miss thinking there was hope
still a bitter misanthrope
feelings that i'll never know
still a child, i'll never grow
it makes me feel like such a joke
oh god, i'm gonna die alone
and if they miss me then i guess it's unfortunate
yeah if they miss me then i guess it's unfortunate
hate that i exist so mindlessly
(if they miss me then i guess it's unfortunate)
wish there was more to it
it's never enough time for me
(if they miss me then i guess it's unfortunate)
it's unfortunate
(if they miss me then i guess it's unfortunate)
(if they miss me then i guess it's unfortunate)
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14. |
LDAR (prod. mati bee)
01:20
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can't escape a sense of being broken fundamentally
lamenting what i'll never be
sometimes i feel like people smile just to flex on me
not sure i function sexually
just wish i had someone to lay down and rot next to me
so i can pretend that it's ok temporarily
forget about watching everybody get ahead of me
my own bullshit will be the death of me
plenty i could do but depression got the best of me
don't wanna go outside, just go online and spill everything
that i should probably hide or be talking 'bout in therapy
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15. |
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[Evnvch]
don't tell me 'bout your happiness, i'll just get insecure
don't validate my feelings 'cause you'll just get ignored
a lost cause, you get bored i'm sure
wanted to be yours and now i feel so impure
eternally the same loser at my core
so learn to love it or abandon me like everyone before
'cause i don't deserve to know love
like to think i've grown but i've shown that it's hopeless
over and over
act like a stoner even though i'm sober
someone fall in love with my dumb online persona
body like a shota, know that i'm a joke and
i'd better just accept being an unlovable loner
i can pretend i don't need anyone
never a complete person, never feel, never love
incel beta cuck, no-one tryna pity fuck
just wanna feel touch before i join the 27 club
[delcada]
i'm not even twenty
extended adolescence
i like idolize u
never learn my lesson
i guess it's whatever
hi until the winter
miss all my dead homies
but i'll see them in heaven
pills i take can't numb my pain
i tried twice i'm a liar n a fake
snitch who want attention
i will make her hate me
wen i get too fucked up
my heart get so vacant
ya the world so cold
ya i kno i'm such a joke
die before i'm 22
you gon make me overdose
[Evnvch]
so attached to my depression
may as well romanticise it, never learn my lesson
self-obsession, please give me attention
maybe i need help but i guess it's whatever
i can pretend i don't need anyone
never a complete person, never feel, never love
incel beta cuck, no-one tryna pity fuck
just wanna feel touch before i join the 27 club
but really i can never trust
myself to follow through on anything i'm just being
dramatic and manipulative, hope you don't give a fuck
i can only wish that i would join the 27 club
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16. |
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getting hella checks
while my haters getting rekt
you bet i’m boutta flex
make these egirls wanna sext
boutta get some head
guillotine on deck
scene queen on my neck
fuck her face and fuck the feds
black hair, blackpilled, it is such a cruel world
make it look like suicide when i’m done with you girl
omega uprising and you’re on my hitlist
say you wanna die, i respect your wishes
they love to hate me, might go ER
put these Chads and Stacies in the ER
i’m so tired of these bros and bitches
fuck my life, i’m about to finish
tricking women into feeling safe with me
they believe i won’t be another rapey AGP
tryna rearrange some guts, even on the HRT
hit me up kawaii sluts, pinky swear i aim to please
socks over my knees, Miku on my tee
emo shawty, she know ima hit it raw XD
infertile and virginal but she still think i’m sexy
loli swag, these normalfags just don’t get me
betas pay a fee for the pictures i get sent for free
my main bitch act childish like Melanie
if you got decent self-esteem baby you’re dead to me
but trust me i’m just insecure not predatory
might taint everything good with my jealousy
keep it lowkey but these hoes’ll be the death of me
nothing personal but you’ll probably get left on seen
unless i’m tryna fuck or like your work enough to send a beat
yeah i’m a pathetic apathetic creep
28 but i should’ve died by like 17
either way people gonna cringe at my memory
then again i’m sure they’ll be quick to forget me
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